In the Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters.
Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light.
God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.
God called the light day, and the darkness He called night And there was evening and there was morning, one day.
~Genesis 1:1-5, NASB

Everything has a Beginning. A Day One. Zero Hour. Alpha. I have often marvelled at God's creation, at His creativity, His knowledge of how all things created would come together and fit in this puzzle. I have never understood how He knew. But simply that He has.

In my finite knowledge and understanding, logic would lead me to believe there is also an End. A Final Hour. Omega. I have often wondered what that would look like. The end of creation. The end of time. The end of an era.

And if there is a beginning and and end, where did the beginning end? And the end begin? Foolish questions, perhaps. Much too cerebral to understand in its fullness.

But certainly in the brilliant newness that we get so excited about, we forget about the end. We forget there will be an end. Or at least, that something could end. So we forget to celebrate that new thing, thinking it will always feel new and wonderful and beautiful. Until suddenly the scales fall from our eyes and the bright shiny new thing has become a dark, dull, unpleasant thing. But we don't know when. Or how. Or why. We just know it changed.

Or did it? Did it change? Or did we? Or our perspective? I don't know.

At 6pm today, I closed my Facebook account. I spent or wasted so much time on seeing what was going on with my "friends" - 332 of them when I closed down the account today - that I failed to invest in a relationship that once was so important to me. It was a slippery slope. That has led to some serious destruction.

Oh by now many of you have learned that I am single. Again. And while this is a piece of what I am talking about, it is not the whole.

I am talking about my God. In all the wonder and happiness of Him bringing me face to face with a man who was an answer to prayer, I forgot to look to the Giver of the gift. At some point, the relationship became about meeting our own needs, rather than fullfiling God's plan for our lives. Somewhere in the midst of a blessing I essentially spat on my Lord. And the decision made yesterday to end the relationship has pretty well summed up a greater loss.

Here I am, out in cyberspace somewhere, writing for all the world to see. Maybe my pastor. Maybe my parents. My brothers, neices, nephew. Friends. But here it is: I have not been walking with my Lord in some time. I don't know when. I don't know how. No, scratch that. I know how. But I won't get into that much detail here. At least not today. I confess that I have turned my back on my God. And for all the heartfelt whispers of a trusted and beloved friend this afternoon, I do not know that I want to go back.... This troubles me. This disturbs me. It breaks my heart. But what do I do? It was so easy to just slip away.... It is painfully difficult to turn around and see if He is still there. I've been assured He still is. But I don't know. And I fear turning my head to see, in case He has given up on me, like I gave up on Him.

So shutting down my Facebook account was step one to try to make that scary decision to look back. Removing obstacles. At least this one. There are more to face, however. More questions. More doubts. More fears. What happens if He is there? Will He be angry? Will He look at me with disappointment and sorrow in His eyes? Because He couldn't possibly smile at me, spread His arms open, and say, "Welcome Home, Daughter." Could He?