Since my youth, I always wanted one of those fairy tale lives.... You know, the life that was fun even before meeting the prince, but had even more meaning after.... The life that, though perhaps there was heartache and struggle, would prove itself to be abundant and hopeful. I wonder now where that hope went....
Do fairy tales really set us up for heartache? As little girls (especially) we hear the stories and start building our expectations for the future. There is so much expectation, so much anticipation, and the characters in the stories seem perfect, that the epic failure of two people to meet that expectation can be utterly devastating.
One person stops trying, another gives up hope. They are left then in a darkness that overwhelms them both. Their dreams shatter like glass in their hands.
Please don't understand my rant here to say that I have given up, that in my experiences of brokenness I don't even want to try anymore.... I do. But I was told today that this has been easy for me. But it has not been. Work has been a reprieve. 26 hours of overtime in 1 week has helped me stay sane, helped me to keep my head above water. But on a Saturday night when perhaps we would have otherwise been watching a movie on the couch, or sharing a pizza and some hopeful conversation, I am alone with my thoughts, and with some messages I am not sure what to do with....
Life is easy for me, eh? No, it is not. For all my happiness that I share, there is sadness and worry that I do not. There are thoughts and worries and fears that plague me that I cannot put to words. Since I cannot express them I cannot move past them. I live behind a fence. Hedged in, unable or unwilling (sometimes I am unsure which) to break out, to push through. Not knowing how. Or even where to start. In some everyday tasks I have to try harder than others. Sure, some things come easy, but by the grace of God, not by my own abilities, not by my own design. And if ease comes from the grace of God, am I to blame for another's difficulty?
Perhaps it seems I am not struggling as much as another. Frankly, I could have worked another 8 hours tonight without a break just to keep this off my mind. There are thoughts I don't care to think, that I don't want to be left alone with. On the other side of the spectrum is the one whose struggles are always at the forefront of his mind, and his station in life at the moment gives his thoughts plenty of time to haunt him, as well....
I am sorry that he hurts so much when it appears I do not.... His anger and frustration bring me to tears, because a part of me feels responsible for his pain.... I cannot carry the burden of two, and I am not all to blame. Nor is he.
I wish I knew what could ease his pain, and what I could do. But I don't, so I can't.
Father God, You are merciful and you bring hope to the hurting.... Won't You do that this night? Won't You bring comfort to Your children who call out to You? Help us to find forgiveness and mercy for each other as we struggle separately and differently. Help us to lean on You and trust You in these hard times. I thank You in advance for Your faithfulness to do so. In Jesus' name.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday
Sadly, tonight I have nothing to share, except that I am exhausted! I've worked 50 hours this week, and I am getting up early to go back and do it again tomorrow.... Loving the overtime, loving the work, and loving the co-workers. But man, is this exhausting! The good news is that we are making progress, slowly but surely. Tomorrow, hopefully, Coco and I will be caught up on all of the Stat/Urgent requests, and get through processing the larger requests for records that we have had to set aside.... Man this is nuts! It is great to see progress everyday, though, and have positive feedback from our supervisors.
I will say this, though. One of the women who is doing phones is not happy about it. She hates it, I think. And I think she is about fed up with it, based on her attitude this week. I'm praying for her. She is very nice, very polite and kind. She's smart, and knows her stuff. But she's not enjoying being a "go-between" between the processors and the requestors. This is the hardest time right now, this transition. I am praying that the Lord would provide her with a new strength, and that those whom she struggles with would have an ear to hear her out and respect her frustration, and the team would come alongside her and help her. Thank You Lord Jesus for all these things.
Good night, readers. Looking forward to morning!
I will say this, though. One of the women who is doing phones is not happy about it. She hates it, I think. And I think she is about fed up with it, based on her attitude this week. I'm praying for her. She is very nice, very polite and kind. She's smart, and knows her stuff. But she's not enjoying being a "go-between" between the processors and the requestors. This is the hardest time right now, this transition. I am praying that the Lord would provide her with a new strength, and that those whom she struggles with would have an ear to hear her out and respect her frustration, and the team would come alongside her and help her. Thank You Lord Jesus for all these things.
Good night, readers. Looking forward to morning!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Arise, LORD! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless.
~Psalm 10:12
After work this evening I happened to have a conversation with a man whose daughter had been in a hospital for over a month. I do not know how she came to be in this condition, but she had been in a coma, suffered a traumatic brain injury, and the neurologist she saw wrote her off. He said she'd never do anything but live in a vegetative state. The man had been crushed by the presumption of this medical professional. I can't imagine receiving a "fatal blow" like that. I wish I could have talked with him more. He was a kind man, a man most of us would like to know. He was calm, steady. Devastated and worried and uncertain what the future would hold for himself and his wife and their daughter.
But he told me that they had found an inpatient facility that worked wonders for their daughter. She is now walking. Like an old man with arthritis, but she is walking. She can do exercises in the family's pool at home now. She can talk, and listen, and understand. Her father said they feel like they have their daughter back. Wow! And all this in 7 weeks, after a doctor had said there was no hope....
As the man departed from our "chance" encounter, I asked him if he would mind if I prayed for him and his daughter. I didn't want to keep him from his 2 hour drive home, but I think he understood that this was not one of those "Oh, life sucks. I'll pray for you" hit-and-run encounters. I have a feeling this man and his daughter's tragic story will be on my mind for a while to come.
Because what I heard in this man's voice was hope. He had been given a worst-case-scenario, and sees progress. He and his daughter go for walks now. He had been told she'd never experience life again. Life may never be what it once was, but it will be experienced, not just spent. I know the man that gives this father his hope. I know the man who has begun a healing work in his daughter's body. I know the man who will give this family strength for each day. And I know the man who comforts him and his wife in the dark hours.
His name is Jesus. And he brings hope to the hopeless, healing to the broken, and is a Father to the fatherless. And He is my God.
Father God, I pray for this family in the midst of their struggles. I pray that You would continue to embrace them, wrap your loving arms around them and let them know You are there. I pray for their young daughter, that You would restore her to health, dear Lord. And while I do not know what happened to cause this sudden life changing experience, I pray that for anyone else involved Lord, that You would offer them Your love, too. I pray that Your forgiveness would be known and experienced by everyone here Lord. Thank You, oh God, that You saw fit for these two paths to cross today. I trust all of these prayers to You Lord. In Jesus' name.
~Psalm 10:12
After work this evening I happened to have a conversation with a man whose daughter had been in a hospital for over a month. I do not know how she came to be in this condition, but she had been in a coma, suffered a traumatic brain injury, and the neurologist she saw wrote her off. He said she'd never do anything but live in a vegetative state. The man had been crushed by the presumption of this medical professional. I can't imagine receiving a "fatal blow" like that. I wish I could have talked with him more. He was a kind man, a man most of us would like to know. He was calm, steady. Devastated and worried and uncertain what the future would hold for himself and his wife and their daughter.
But he told me that they had found an inpatient facility that worked wonders for their daughter. She is now walking. Like an old man with arthritis, but she is walking. She can do exercises in the family's pool at home now. She can talk, and listen, and understand. Her father said they feel like they have their daughter back. Wow! And all this in 7 weeks, after a doctor had said there was no hope....
As the man departed from our "chance" encounter, I asked him if he would mind if I prayed for him and his daughter. I didn't want to keep him from his 2 hour drive home, but I think he understood that this was not one of those "Oh, life sucks. I'll pray for you" hit-and-run encounters. I have a feeling this man and his daughter's tragic story will be on my mind for a while to come.
Because what I heard in this man's voice was hope. He had been given a worst-case-scenario, and sees progress. He and his daughter go for walks now. He had been told she'd never experience life again. Life may never be what it once was, but it will be experienced, not just spent. I know the man that gives this father his hope. I know the man who has begun a healing work in his daughter's body. I know the man who will give this family strength for each day. And I know the man who comforts him and his wife in the dark hours.
His name is Jesus. And he brings hope to the hopeless, healing to the broken, and is a Father to the fatherless. And He is my God.
Father God, I pray for this family in the midst of their struggles. I pray that You would continue to embrace them, wrap your loving arms around them and let them know You are there. I pray for their young daughter, that You would restore her to health, dear Lord. And while I do not know what happened to cause this sudden life changing experience, I pray that for anyone else involved Lord, that You would offer them Your love, too. I pray that Your forgiveness would be known and experienced by everyone here Lord. Thank You, oh God, that You saw fit for these two paths to cross today. I trust all of these prayers to You Lord. In Jesus' name.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Day 4
Here we are, at Day 4, of what I assume to be a 40-day fast from Facebook. There is not much to say tonight, as I meditate on some Scripture, except WOW! I am praying that God would help my heart to open to Him to new depths and new heights, that He would heal my brokenness, and lead me in righteousness. I came across this passage today.
What I take from it is God telling me: I love you. Sacrifially. Wholy. Fully. Permanently. You have confessed my Son as your Savior. Keep believing. Keep pressing on. Keep drawing near. And I will keep perfecting you toward that righteous end.
Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent His One and Only Son into the world so that we might live through Him.
Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another.
No one has ever seen God. If we love one another, God remains in us and His love is perfected in us.
This is how we know that we remain in Him and He in us: He has given to us from His Spirit.
And we have seen and we testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world
Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God – God remains in him and he in God.
And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.
In this, love is perfected with us so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; for we are as He is in this world.
There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.
We love because He first loved us.
~ I John 4:7-19
Father God, Thank you for Your faithfulness when my faith is weak. Thank You for Your sacrifice when I had nothing to give. Thank You for first loving me, so that I could learn to love You, and learn how to love You deeper still. Abba, help me to remain in You, despite the storms, despite the doubts and fears. Keep working on me, Creator God. Keep molding me and shaping me into Your likeness.
What I take from it is God telling me: I love you. Sacrifially. Wholy. Fully. Permanently. You have confessed my Son as your Savior. Keep believing. Keep pressing on. Keep drawing near. And I will keep perfecting you toward that righteous end.
Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent His One and Only Son into the world so that we might live through Him.
Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another.
No one has ever seen God. If we love one another, God remains in us and His love is perfected in us.
This is how we know that we remain in Him and He in us: He has given to us from His Spirit.
And we have seen and we testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world
Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God – God remains in him and he in God.
And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.
In this, love is perfected with us so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; for we are as He is in this world.
There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.
We love because He first loved us.
~ I John 4:7-19
Father God, Thank you for Your faithfulness when my faith is weak. Thank You for Your sacrifice when I had nothing to give. Thank You for first loving me, so that I could learn to love You, and learn how to love You deeper still. Abba, help me to remain in You, despite the storms, despite the doubts and fears. Keep working on me, Creator God. Keep molding me and shaping me into Your likeness.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Accountability
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.
"But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED.
"If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
"Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.
"Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven.
"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."
~Matthew 18:15-20
There are times when I reflect on my spiritual walk and wonder if anything has really changed. If we loook in the mirror everyday, do we see any change? Did I notice a new gray hair this morning that was not there yesterday? Or a deepening of a wrinkle? Or the darkening of a freckle? Nope. Is my heart more in line with Christ today than it was yesterday? Who is to say? My heart deceives me, but only the Lord knows the depths of my heart - it's successes and failures, is capabilities and limitations.
We can look back at old photographs and see changes. Comparing my 4th grade picture to my 5th grade picture shows some change. Comparing to my 12th grade picture shows remarkable change. Comparing to now, it's obviously still me, but radically different from those many, many years ago. Those snapshots remind me of what and who I used to be, semi-permanent reminders of what once was, and glimpes into what and whom I might have become. I can reflect back on what my life was like 6 years ago, and recognize positive change. I "feel" better - that is to say, I think I am a better person now than then. I have relatively little frame of reference, however. The life I once lived was devoid of friends. Literally. I think I had 2 friends when I started getting to know Jesus again 6 years ago. And sadly, time and space and circumstance separated us, so I have no photograph to look at. Just a memory. And memories are imperfect, since they are simply an image, a perception.
So now I rely on some of my friends. And I have been poor in asking their input, asking them how I have changed in the course of time that we have known each other. Because today doesn't necessarily look much different from yesterday, and yesterday doesn't look much different from the day before, and so on. At least from my perspective.
What is my point? The point is that Jesus taught His disciples to be together. To not be alone. He taught them to seek out one another, to hold each other accountable, and hold others accountable, too. We all dislike - to varying degrees - constructive criticism or correction. But it is so very important. We don't always see the forest for the trees. But others around us can. Others can see patterns in us, qualities, habits, characteristics that are solid and strong, or weak and feeble. Those whom I have sought out to befriend, to hold me accountable, can tell you good or bad things about me. They can tell me the same things, too. In recent months I have prided myself on being willing to take criticism, to listen to the concerns of friends, without freaking out and becoming an emotional train wreck. That used to be me. Just ask my brothers. My parents. The slightest word from them when I was younger wrought havoc on my self-esteem. If there was improvement to be made, it was because they didn't love me, didn't care about me. I've learned that that is not the case. I have learned something about safety in relationships - about being approachable, receiving advice and wisdom as God-given, not as critical of my existence.
It is because of the cautionary words from some beloved friends that I have given pause to some aspects of my life, and re-examined them from other angles. We are often blind to some things, because we lack a skill, lack a perspective, or take things for granted. Our friends can be more objective.
God's word says this:
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
A cord of three strands is not easily broken....
Another wise word from God:
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
~Proverb 15:2
We were not meant to go it alone. Not without advice, not without input, and certainly not without the Holy Spirit. The guidance of the Holy Spirit is of primary importance, even above that of our wise counsel. The Holy Spirit will speak to us of truth, in the power and under the authority of God:
"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.
He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.
All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you."
John 16:13-15
I am grateful for those who have spoken truth into my life, have offered words of wisdom, despite perhaps their own nervousness about sharing something with me that we would likely disagree on, or something that might be an emotional hurt - at least initially. It is daunting to go to another and tell them they may be wrong about something. Wrong about a big thing. I am grateful for the strength of those who have taken that risk, and showed me the love of Christ by coming to me with unsolicited advice. It demonstrates a spirit of obedience in them, a lovingkindness, and a feeling of safety and trust which has only pushed me forward. They have been my mirrors. They have taken some responsibility in letting me know my shortcomings, offering encouragement to push on through the struggle.
Thank you, Father God, for these great friends you have placed in my life. Because of their influence, because You have brought them into my life, I am being molded and shaped, ever so slowly, and sometimes painfully, more and more to Your likeness. Father God, keep it coming. And let me not forget to seek You first above all else, above earthly wisdom. Help me not cause the Spirit to grieve.
"But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED.
"If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
"Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.
"Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven.
"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."
~Matthew 18:15-20
There are times when I reflect on my spiritual walk and wonder if anything has really changed. If we loook in the mirror everyday, do we see any change? Did I notice a new gray hair this morning that was not there yesterday? Or a deepening of a wrinkle? Or the darkening of a freckle? Nope. Is my heart more in line with Christ today than it was yesterday? Who is to say? My heart deceives me, but only the Lord knows the depths of my heart - it's successes and failures, is capabilities and limitations.
We can look back at old photographs and see changes. Comparing my 4th grade picture to my 5th grade picture shows some change. Comparing to my 12th grade picture shows remarkable change. Comparing to now, it's obviously still me, but radically different from those many, many years ago. Those snapshots remind me of what and who I used to be, semi-permanent reminders of what once was, and glimpes into what and whom I might have become. I can reflect back on what my life was like 6 years ago, and recognize positive change. I "feel" better - that is to say, I think I am a better person now than then. I have relatively little frame of reference, however. The life I once lived was devoid of friends. Literally. I think I had 2 friends when I started getting to know Jesus again 6 years ago. And sadly, time and space and circumstance separated us, so I have no photograph to look at. Just a memory. And memories are imperfect, since they are simply an image, a perception.
So now I rely on some of my friends. And I have been poor in asking their input, asking them how I have changed in the course of time that we have known each other. Because today doesn't necessarily look much different from yesterday, and yesterday doesn't look much different from the day before, and so on. At least from my perspective.
What is my point? The point is that Jesus taught His disciples to be together. To not be alone. He taught them to seek out one another, to hold each other accountable, and hold others accountable, too. We all dislike - to varying degrees - constructive criticism or correction. But it is so very important. We don't always see the forest for the trees. But others around us can. Others can see patterns in us, qualities, habits, characteristics that are solid and strong, or weak and feeble. Those whom I have sought out to befriend, to hold me accountable, can tell you good or bad things about me. They can tell me the same things, too. In recent months I have prided myself on being willing to take criticism, to listen to the concerns of friends, without freaking out and becoming an emotional train wreck. That used to be me. Just ask my brothers. My parents. The slightest word from them when I was younger wrought havoc on my self-esteem. If there was improvement to be made, it was because they didn't love me, didn't care about me. I've learned that that is not the case. I have learned something about safety in relationships - about being approachable, receiving advice and wisdom as God-given, not as critical of my existence.
It is because of the cautionary words from some beloved friends that I have given pause to some aspects of my life, and re-examined them from other angles. We are often blind to some things, because we lack a skill, lack a perspective, or take things for granted. Our friends can be more objective.
God's word says this:
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
A cord of three strands is not easily broken....
Another wise word from God:
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
~Proverb 15:2
We were not meant to go it alone. Not without advice, not without input, and certainly not without the Holy Spirit. The guidance of the Holy Spirit is of primary importance, even above that of our wise counsel. The Holy Spirit will speak to us of truth, in the power and under the authority of God:
"But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.
He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.
All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you."
John 16:13-15
I am grateful for those who have spoken truth into my life, have offered words of wisdom, despite perhaps their own nervousness about sharing something with me that we would likely disagree on, or something that might be an emotional hurt - at least initially. It is daunting to go to another and tell them they may be wrong about something. Wrong about a big thing. I am grateful for the strength of those who have taken that risk, and showed me the love of Christ by coming to me with unsolicited advice. It demonstrates a spirit of obedience in them, a lovingkindness, and a feeling of safety and trust which has only pushed me forward. They have been my mirrors. They have taken some responsibility in letting me know my shortcomings, offering encouragement to push on through the struggle.
Thank you, Father God, for these great friends you have placed in my life. Because of their influence, because You have brought them into my life, I am being molded and shaped, ever so slowly, and sometimes painfully, more and more to Your likeness. Father God, keep it coming. And let me not forget to seek You first above all else, above earthly wisdom. Help me not cause the Spirit to grieve.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Day Two
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn backI know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
YOU NEVER LET GO - MATT REDMAN
This song has whispered deeply into my heart at various times.... Discovering the loss of favor among those I once considered friends, realizing that certain dreams just were not going to come true, and now, now in this season, God has brought me once again to brokenness.... And He promises that He will carry me through it. In my wandering from Him in recent weeks, I have forgotten that. I encouraged my warrior that God would see him through his difficulties, and forgot that the same God was calling us both to turn back to Him.
So here I am, Lord. I turned to look, wondering if You would tire of me. But You haven't. Your arms were outstretched to me all the while.... I'm not running. Not yet. But as I take these first steps home, I am encouraged by the love of my friends, continually pointing me toward You. People You have placed in my life.... Because You know me. You know my weaknesses and faults.... And you love me just the same.... And I don't understand it. I can't. And I think that is what is so difficult. Not understanding.
Abba, I come to You in prayer tonight, for the first time in a long time. Abba, thank You for loving me in my desperate and sinful state. Abba.... Daddy.... Open my heart to Yours. Help me to seek You more than anything else in this created world....
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn backI know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
YOU NEVER LET GO - MATT REDMAN
This song has whispered deeply into my heart at various times.... Discovering the loss of favor among those I once considered friends, realizing that certain dreams just were not going to come true, and now, now in this season, God has brought me once again to brokenness.... And He promises that He will carry me through it. In my wandering from Him in recent weeks, I have forgotten that. I encouraged my warrior that God would see him through his difficulties, and forgot that the same God was calling us both to turn back to Him.
So here I am, Lord. I turned to look, wondering if You would tire of me. But You haven't. Your arms were outstretched to me all the while.... I'm not running. Not yet. But as I take these first steps home, I am encouraged by the love of my friends, continually pointing me toward You. People You have placed in my life.... Because You know me. You know my weaknesses and faults.... And you love me just the same.... And I don't understand it. I can't. And I think that is what is so difficult. Not understanding.
Abba, I come to You in prayer tonight, for the first time in a long time. Abba, thank You for loving me in my desperate and sinful state. Abba.... Daddy.... Open my heart to Yours. Help me to seek You more than anything else in this created world....
Sunday, July 25, 2010
In the Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters.
Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light.
God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.
God called the light day, and the darkness He called night And there was evening and there was morning, one day.
~Genesis 1:1-5, NASB
Everything has a Beginning. A Day One. Zero Hour. Alpha. I have often marvelled at God's creation, at His creativity, His knowledge of how all things created would come together and fit in this puzzle. I have never understood how He knew. But simply that He has.
In my finite knowledge and understanding, logic would lead me to believe there is also an End. A Final Hour. Omega. I have often wondered what that would look like. The end of creation. The end of time. The end of an era.
And if there is a beginning and and end, where did the beginning end? And the end begin? Foolish questions, perhaps. Much too cerebral to understand in its fullness.
But certainly in the brilliant newness that we get so excited about, we forget about the end. We forget there will be an end. Or at least, that something could end. So we forget to celebrate that new thing, thinking it will always feel new and wonderful and beautiful. Until suddenly the scales fall from our eyes and the bright shiny new thing has become a dark, dull, unpleasant thing. But we don't know when. Or how. Or why. We just know it changed.
Or did it? Did it change? Or did we? Or our perspective? I don't know.
At 6pm today, I closed my Facebook account. I spent or wasted so much time on seeing what was going on with my "friends" - 332 of them when I closed down the account today - that I failed to invest in a relationship that once was so important to me. It was a slippery slope. That has led to some serious destruction.
Oh by now many of you have learned that I am single. Again. And while this is a piece of what I am talking about, it is not the whole.
I am talking about my God. In all the wonder and happiness of Him bringing me face to face with a man who was an answer to prayer, I forgot to look to the Giver of the gift. At some point, the relationship became about meeting our own needs, rather than fullfiling God's plan for our lives. Somewhere in the midst of a blessing I essentially spat on my Lord. And the decision made yesterday to end the relationship has pretty well summed up a greater loss.
Here I am, out in cyberspace somewhere, writing for all the world to see. Maybe my pastor. Maybe my parents. My brothers, neices, nephew. Friends. But here it is: I have not been walking with my Lord in some time. I don't know when. I don't know how. No, scratch that. I know how. But I won't get into that much detail here. At least not today. I confess that I have turned my back on my God. And for all the heartfelt whispers of a trusted and beloved friend this afternoon, I do not know that I want to go back.... This troubles me. This disturbs me. It breaks my heart. But what do I do? It was so easy to just slip away.... It is painfully difficult to turn around and see if He is still there. I've been assured He still is. But I don't know. And I fear turning my head to see, in case He has given up on me, like I gave up on Him.
So shutting down my Facebook account was step one to try to make that scary decision to look back. Removing obstacles. At least this one. There are more to face, however. More questions. More doubts. More fears. What happens if He is there? Will He be angry? Will He look at me with disappointment and sorrow in His eyes? Because He couldn't possibly smile at me, spread His arms open, and say, "Welcome Home, Daughter." Could He?
The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters.
Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light.
God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.
God called the light day, and the darkness He called night And there was evening and there was morning, one day.
~Genesis 1:1-5, NASB
Everything has a Beginning. A Day One. Zero Hour. Alpha. I have often marvelled at God's creation, at His creativity, His knowledge of how all things created would come together and fit in this puzzle. I have never understood how He knew. But simply that He has.
In my finite knowledge and understanding, logic would lead me to believe there is also an End. A Final Hour. Omega. I have often wondered what that would look like. The end of creation. The end of time. The end of an era.
And if there is a beginning and and end, where did the beginning end? And the end begin? Foolish questions, perhaps. Much too cerebral to understand in its fullness.
But certainly in the brilliant newness that we get so excited about, we forget about the end. We forget there will be an end. Or at least, that something could end. So we forget to celebrate that new thing, thinking it will always feel new and wonderful and beautiful. Until suddenly the scales fall from our eyes and the bright shiny new thing has become a dark, dull, unpleasant thing. But we don't know when. Or how. Or why. We just know it changed.
Or did it? Did it change? Or did we? Or our perspective? I don't know.
At 6pm today, I closed my Facebook account. I spent or wasted so much time on seeing what was going on with my "friends" - 332 of them when I closed down the account today - that I failed to invest in a relationship that once was so important to me. It was a slippery slope. That has led to some serious destruction.
Oh by now many of you have learned that I am single. Again. And while this is a piece of what I am talking about, it is not the whole.
I am talking about my God. In all the wonder and happiness of Him bringing me face to face with a man who was an answer to prayer, I forgot to look to the Giver of the gift. At some point, the relationship became about meeting our own needs, rather than fullfiling God's plan for our lives. Somewhere in the midst of a blessing I essentially spat on my Lord. And the decision made yesterday to end the relationship has pretty well summed up a greater loss.
Here I am, out in cyberspace somewhere, writing for all the world to see. Maybe my pastor. Maybe my parents. My brothers, neices, nephew. Friends. But here it is: I have not been walking with my Lord in some time. I don't know when. I don't know how. No, scratch that. I know how. But I won't get into that much detail here. At least not today. I confess that I have turned my back on my God. And for all the heartfelt whispers of a trusted and beloved friend this afternoon, I do not know that I want to go back.... This troubles me. This disturbs me. It breaks my heart. But what do I do? It was so easy to just slip away.... It is painfully difficult to turn around and see if He is still there. I've been assured He still is. But I don't know. And I fear turning my head to see, in case He has given up on me, like I gave up on Him.
So shutting down my Facebook account was step one to try to make that scary decision to look back. Removing obstacles. At least this one. There are more to face, however. More questions. More doubts. More fears. What happens if He is there? Will He be angry? Will He look at me with disappointment and sorrow in His eyes? Because He couldn't possibly smile at me, spread His arms open, and say, "Welcome Home, Daughter." Could He?
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