Silence

Silence is rare. It is the absence of sound. One small, tiny thing breaks it. I can't tell you the last time I sat in silence. There is always the whirring of the fan, the chirping of birds, the hum of traffic, the din of a radio or TV. I have a hard time getting to sleep in silence. I have wondered why....

It is because in that void, I am alone. Totally, completely, utterly alone. Left with my thoughts, my fears, and more recently, my anger. I do pretty well if I don't have to think about it. If I am not reminded of it. The load at work has certainly been helpful. I can ignore the anger, and the pain that triggered the anger. There is entirely too much to do! And I am grateful for the distraction.

Over the coming week and next weekend, I am moving into the small bedroom across the hall. Today I will finish painting, hopefully with a couple friends. At some point I will start moving the furniture in there, and try to minimize my posessions to fit in the small, cramped space. Somehow, all the stuff that barely fits in the 14x12 room I am in now will have to fit in a very awkwardly proportioned room that is also perhaps 1/3 smaller.... I do not know how that will happen, as I have also re-accumulated items once conveniently stored elsewhere, and will continue to accumulate things from my parents as they prepare to move.

So the minimizing, sorting, selling, donating, discarding, and moving all needs to happen amidst a 60-hour work week. Not to mention there are friends I have not seen in months that I want - and need - to catch up with. And small group. And a roommate meeting. And getting supplies for a weekend at the beach with long-abandoned friends. In the midst of all this planning and doing and scheduling and visiting and working, there is no time to "deal" with things. No time to breathe a breath just for me. I know parents out there can relate. But we single folks are busy people too. Minus the support of a husband and perhaps sometimes-helpful children.

So there will be no silence this week, where I am left alone to struggle with my thoughts and hurt and anger. No time to invest in the healing process which might redeem a friendship that has been at the receiving end of a hand grenade. But I guess I can keep my sanity. For now. Until some small thing goes wrong, and all the lava just below the surface bursts through the top of the volcano because there is just too much force, too much energy, behind that lava.

Oh Lord, grant me grace this week. You know all my needs. ALL my needs. You know my heart, and the blackness in it right now. Father God I pray that You would help me this week.... Above all other earthly needs, Lord, I pray that You would help me keep my eyes fixed on You. You are my Source. My breath is because of You. I thank You in Jesus name.